So there I am, pouring a glass of water in the kitchen when I hear a knock at the front screen door. It’s two 20-something kids dressed in shirts and ties, holding clipboards, and trying to work up big salesguy smiles for their 20-hour a week summer sales jobs.

“How are you today, sir?” (Sir. I love it when they call me Sir…)

“Oh, just fine. And you?” I ask, knowing they want to get to the sales pitch ASAP.

“Great!”

After we’ve established that I’m the primary homeowner, the lad doing most of the talking hands me a laminated sheet of paper illustrated with various home improvement projects, like window replacements, air conditioning updates, that sorta thing.

“Which one of these would you say you’re most likely to do soon?”

I laughed a hearty, belly-shaking laugh and said “Well, to be honest, the project I need to do the soonest is find a job.”

“Oh, right, sorry to hear that” they kind of mumble.

Now I’ve got them on the ropes. So I go in for the knockout punch.

“Yeah, people are always wondering what I’m doing home on a Monday. ‘Day off?’ they ask. ‘More like a LOT of days off, if ya know what I mean’” And I keep it up, stringing together word after word at a maddening pace, while they just stand and stare, growing more uncomfortable with each passing second.

I pause just long enough and when I do, they’re wishing me all the best and backing away from the front steps toward the sidewalk.

And I walk back toward the kitchen and my glass of water thinking “That’s it! I’ve found the secret to getting rid of annoying salespeople.”

Tell them you’re unemployed. Start babbling about your problems, give off the look of being a little unhinged, then watch them squirm and run for the hills.

Brilliant.